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By Nathan Tech!

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talent show transcription

Prologue:

(fade in, bubbling cauldron center stage. Lilac is standing beside it, talking as if streaming to a social media account live.)
Lilac: Hi, Ragers! Happy Halloween! As you know, we are putting on a little talent show for you, and I was told that it would be best for us all to bring our most fabulicious costumes! So, ...
(She moves over to the cauldron and yanks off the top.)
Lilac: (In a sing song voice) Tadaaaa! My Extremely Vivatious Instantanious Liquid Girl Power costume creation potion! Wow. Try saying that five times when you're drunk. I might need to come up with a good acronym for it. Anyway, it's almost ready, Ragers. Let's see what it needs now ...
(Sounds of paper rustling as she takes out the recipe.)
Lilac: (reading out loud) Ingredients. Three raven's feathers, freshly plucked.
(Flash back sound)
Eli: hey! ow! what the hell!
(flash forward sound)
Lilac (giggle): Totally got those. What else... Graveyard soil, respectfully taken, because respect is vital y'all! come on now! And... Eye of Nate? Iiiewww! grody! That's so unhygenic.
(Sound of paper rustling.)
Lilac: Oh, silly me. That says Eye Nate quizzically. (A beat) Okay I can do that. that's considerably less gross. What else ...
(clinking bottles. Lilac, say some random looking for something words here like) Maybe this Hmm, no. Definitely not.
Lilac: Oo! I got it! My totes amazing a lister trademark Lilac glitter! That'll absolutely make this fab!
(small explosion as she opens the bottle. Glitter goes everywhere. Lilac sneezes.)
Lilac: Poo! Alright... Now I gotta drink this... Ugh, barf me out this is gonna blow...
(She guzzles the entire thing.)
Lilac: Hey. Not bad. Kinda tastes like iced matcha late! Nice! I new I was a good witch!
(She starts to turn evil here, struggling between good and evil)
Lilac: No. A good evil witch. Wait no! That's not...
Lilac: (An evil laugh interrupts herself.) An Evil Witch!
Lilac: (Pausing) Wait. that ... sounded wrong. I'm not evil! Maybe I should have eyed Nate more quizzically during the potion brewing process! Nooooo!
(A cloak flapping sound and Lilac switches back to evil mode.)
Lilac: No! I am an evil witch! And that is what I can call my potion! Evil Girl potion! Trademarked. #DefinitelySponsered! (Another evil cackle.)
Lilac: Happy Halloween, Ragers! Time to make these coders feel my evil wrath!
(One last cackle as she rushes off to do some evil, and the theme song begins playing.

Title Card:

The hosts of Cosmic Rage present
Fall Storms on a Talent-Filled Night

Scene 1:

(The scene opens in a corridor, and two hosts walking towards each other muttering to themselves, not looking where they're going.)
Eli: I'm late. I'm late. for a very important date! Wow. What is that from again?
Nate: Hmm. If we were to drop the point requirements for that upgrade down, it would really give us something to work with. Then we could change the activity. Overhaul overhaul overhaul.
(The Two hosts run into each other.)
Eli: I say old man!
Nate: blimy! terribly sorry old chap!
Eli: Should look where you're going what!
Nate: Yes, quite right. I was just having a conversation with uh... Well. With myself to be honest and was fully absorbed... But pray tell, where are you off to in such a hurry?
Eli: Haven't you heard? There's a fall talent show going on!
Nate: A fool talent show? Isn't that rather rude?
Eli: No, you fool! a fall talent show. Like the season?
Nate: Fall? What the devil is fall! Oh you mean autumn!
Eli: Autumn, Fall, tisket Tasket Green and yellow basket, all the same thing in the end.
Nate: A Tisket?
Eli: And I have a very important responsibility for this one. I made the recap.
Nate: A Tasket?
Eli: Oh move on, m'dear chap. Please observe. The recap!

(Recap plays)

Nate: An absolutely spiffing job you did there, old chap.
Eli: Why thank you, m'dear fellow.
Nate and Eli: High five high five high five high five high five.
(Awkward pause)
Eli: So ... what were we doing?
Nate: Not sure. Something something autumn talent show?
Eli: You mean Fall.
Nate: No. I said what I said.
Eli: Come now, old man. All the sexy sensible people call it Fall.
Nate: Since when are you sensible?
Eli: I say, there's no call for language like that.
(The two hosts head off, bickering in this way.)

Scene 2:

(Nate and Eli are strolling along, still chatting.)
Nate: And I said to myself, if the drone thinks he can have my last bag of sugar ... I say ... Eli?
Eli: Yes?
Nate: Something looks odd.
(The footsteps slow to a stop. There is spooky music.)
Eli: Well I wasn't going to say anything, but we did pass a mirror a few moments ago. Perhaps you caught a glimpse of yourself in it?
Nate: Well, I did catch a glimpse of two very fine hosts in it that's for sure!
Eli: (Chuckling goodnaturedly) TOUCH old man, very good,
Nate: Oi! No French!
(From the corner, Lilac clears her throat.)
(Nate and Eli jump.)
Nate: Ahh Lilac. I didn't see you there. Don't sneak up on a chap like that, m'dear girl. It isn't lady-like at all.
Eli: Nathaniel. It's not just our surroundings that are odd. Lilac looks ... different somehow.
Nate: Oh yes. Come to mention it, she does.
Lilac: (In an evil voice) Enemies of Lilac beware when you step into her evil lair.
Eli: Is it the shoes? I say. Are those Christian Louboutin?
Nate: How the devil do you know that?
Eli: Oh I'm not the sexy sexy sexy host for nothing.
Lilac: (Clearing her throat) Do you mind? I was in the middle of something, here.
Nate: Terribly sorry, Lilac. Do go on. Do go on.
Lilac: Right, where was I? OH yes...
Lilac: (Resuming her evil voice) Enemies of Lilac beware, when you step into her evil lair.
Eli: (Hesitantly) I don't mean to be rude...
Lilac: (In an annoyed tone) What?
Eli: Only, you already did that part.
Nate: Oh! Maybe it's her hair, old chap. Lilac, have you done something new with your hair?
Eli: No no. It's the eyes. They're a rather .. striking shade of red. Hmm, not sure I like it.
Lilac: (Annoyed) Oh for villain's sake. I'm evil!
Nate: No. That's not it. It's got to be the hair.
Eli: No, old man. The eyes. It's all in the eyes!
Lilac: Oh forget it!
Lilac: (Chants her spell) Fooey upon your British ways,
I cast you back to Victorian days!
Henceforth let every word you say
Be Cockney slang till Judgment Day!
(A swirling blast of magic later...)
Nate: Cor blimey! Wot's all this, then?
Eli: Strike me pink! Nate, me old china, you're rabbitin' on like Dick Vandike!
Nate: Stone the crows, woman... Wot you bleedin' done to us?
Lilac (evil laugh): that's right boys! If you insist on talking in those stupid accents, then I'll make them really, really dumb!
Nate : Stupid accent? Cheeky mare! If I weren' such a gentleman, I'd ...
Lilac: You'd what? Oh, kay! While I blast this guy, have a listen to the first song of our Halloween talent show..
(Song plays)

(We return amidst a blast of magic.)
Eli: Cor blimy. Right to the boat race. You alright, me old mucker?
Nate: (Massaging his head) Yeah yeah. quit your belly achin' Eli. I ain't the head admin for nuffink.
Eli: I'm startin' to think somethin might be wrong with this twist.
Lilac: Twist?
Nate: Yeah. Twist. Twist and twirl?
Lilac: Huh?
Nate and Eli: (Exaspirated sigh) Girl.
Lilac: Sarafina was right. Stupider every talent show.
Eli and Nate: Oi!
Lilac: How's about another song while I dream up some more interesting curses for our east end boys? It's going to be totally tubular!
Nate and Eli: Leg it!
(Eli and Nate are running for the exit as the song begins.)

scene 3:

(We open on a restaurant ambience with Brandon manning the counter.)

Brandon: (Calling to everyone) Last orders!
(The door opens, and Lilac sweeps in.)
Brandon: Welcome to Panaxes Mexican British ... you know, we really need to shorten that name.
Lilac: No. You don't.
Brandon: Hi sweety. We've just taken last orders, so our supplies are really low. What can I get you?
Lilac: I'll have a pizza.
Brandon: Sure, Hon. What would you like on that?
Lilac: Cheese... Mushrooms... jalapenos... um... Oh! and some mozzarella poppers.
Brandon: On the pizza?
Lilac: Did I stutter?
Brandon: (A beat) Um... we're out of mozzarella poppers, can I get you something else?
Lilac: What! Oh, my gaud. No you did not just say that.
Brandon: I'm sorry, Lilac. I could get you something else. What about Act 3 from the talent show?
(The third act plays)

Lilac: Okay. I got to admit, that was pretty sweet. But I want Mozzarella poppers. Oh and M&ms. But none of the brown ones. Those are grody.
Brandon: We don't sell M&Ms.
Lilac: Well, maybe you should.
Brandon: (Muttering to himself) Talk about a Diva.
Lilac: Ex...cuse me?
Brandon: Nothing!
Lilac: How interesting because I could have swarn you called moi ... a diva.
Brandon: Oh it's not for me to say.
Lilac: I'll have you know, I am a diva... and proud of it. It is about time this hosting team bows to the queen.
Brandon: (Trying to speak in a soothing way) Of course, Hon. Around here, we already have our one king diva. you'd make a wonderful queen diva.
Lilac: What? And who is this then?
Brandon: Dante!
Lilac: (Sounding dangerous) Oh my god Brandon. You didn't just go there.
Brandon: Meow. I don't know what to say. (Does a little fake cry.)
Lilac: Oh "sweety," I think you've said quite enough.
Lilac: (begins to chant) Bone of player, Skin of drone
Get this man a brand-new home.
Brandon: (Sounding nervous) What are you doing?
Lilac: (continued) Though he holler, though he roar
Lock him in the kitchen drawer!
(As the spell takes hold, drawers all around the kitchen begin opening with loud clatters.)
Brandon: Why are all the drawers opening?
Lilac: Because one of them ... is for you! (Evil cackle!)
Brandon: Lilac! Noooooooooooo!
(Brandon is sucked into a drawer, and it closes with a final thud.)
Lilac: (In a sing song voice) Oh, Dante...? Hope you're warmed up, girlfriend. It's time for a diva-off.
(Lilac exits, leaving nothing but a lonely pounding on a cupboard door.)
Brandon: Hello? Is anyone out there? I'm stuck in storage, hello!

Scene 4:

(The scene begins with spooky mad scientist lab sounds and an instrumental of the monster mash playing. Dante is singing his own lyrics.)
Dante: I was working in my lab. Late last night. When my eyes beheld, a cosmic site. For my monkey from the slab, began to rise, and suddenly, to my surprise.
(The door slams open, interrupting Dante, and Drone 9300 Enters.)
Drone9300: Hey! Do you want to get us sued for copyright?
Dante: Come on! I was in the zone.
Drone 9300: You can't sing that song!
Dante: What? Why not!
Drone 9300: We haven't licensed it, for one thing. And for another, it's all hallow's eve. Who knows what might happen. You could summon up some witch or something.
Dante: I think I can deal with anything I might summon. I am ... The Dante after all.
(There is a clap of thunder!)
Drone 9300: What was that?
Dante: What was what?
Drone 9300: Don't tell me you didn't hear it. That sound when you said your name.
Dante: Oh do you mean when I said, ... The Dante?
(Another clap of thunder accompanies when Dante dramatically says his name.)
Drone 9300: Exactly.
Dante: Ahh well, that's my latest creation for the Halloween talent show. To make things extra spooky. My automated Thunder and Lightning Very Very Frightening Me! Machine.
Drone 9300: What a name. Isn't it a bit long? How does this machine work anyway?
Dante: It's very simple. You program what it should respond to, and then it plays a clap of thunder, spookily. For example, I could program it for the next act of the talent show.
(A clap of thunder rings out, and the act begins!)

Dante: Go on. Give it a try.
(Dante fiddles with the controls, making little hemming and hawing sounds.)
Drone 9300: Alright. Let's see. The next talent show act is ...
(a clap of thunder with the song.)

Dante: Perfect! This show is going to be our spookiest yet! All thanks to the Thunderbolts and Lightning, Very Very Frightening Me ... machine.
Drone 9300: I still think it needs a shorter name. Or one that won't get us sued by Freddy Mercury's estate. Nate's spent our legal budget on whisky and cigars for the tenth anniversary lad's night. We're still recovering.
Dante: Maybe you're right. (a beat, then excitedly) I should call it the Galileo.
Drone 9300: Galileo?
Dante: Galileo!
Drone 9300: Galileo.
Dante: Yes! Galileo Figaro!
Drone 9300: (Sarcastically) Oh Magnifico
Dante: Now you're getting the idea.
Drone 9300: (In a defeated voice) Oh I'm just a pour drone. Nobody loves me.
(With a crash, the doors open once more, and Lilac swoops in.)
Lilac: Stop!
Drone 9300: Thank goodness. Someone sensible.
Lilac: Girl, we need to talk.
Dante: Don't you people knock anymore? One does not simply interrupt genius at work.
Lilac: I would knock. If I were simply people. But I ... am not people. I am ... Lilac!
(Thunder booms.)
Dante: Oh, it seems my machine likes you. How odd.
Lilac: I have no need of your like ... silly inventions to be a diva. For I am the ultimate Diva!
Dante: Oh sweety. You didn't just go there.
Lilac: I think you'll find that I did.
Dante: Oh you're on.
Lilac: Bring it!
Drone 9300: You guys don't need me, do you?
Lilac and Dante: Out!
(The drone quickly leaves, and Lilac begins chanting.)
Lilac: Sinew and bone, leaf and tree
Dante (immediately): ...Return this spell and set me free!
(the spell fizzles out.)
Lilac (Confused): Did... did you just interrupt my spell?
(Dante casually dusts off his coat.)
Dante: I merely corrected your syntax.
Lilac: Well, correct this!
(She begins chanting again.)
Lilac: Spider's silk and raven's feather
Dante: F is for friends who do stuff together!
(The spell bounces back, and Lilac begins singing briefly.)
Lilac: U is for you and ... (Stops herself) Stop doing that!
Dante: Stop casting spells with predictable meter.
Lilac (Gives an annoyed little huff then chants as fast as she can): Sinew and bone, leaf and tree...
Dante (Still interrupting, but this time not stopping: Now it's really time for tea.
Lilac: What?
Dante (continued): Every word from lips you've kissed,
Shall sound refined with proper twist.
Henceforth speak in British style,
At least for just a little while!
(A clap of thunder accompanies the end of his spell.)
Lilac (In a bad British accent): Oh, my. God. Did you just... Hey! what have you done? My voice! It's... I sound... You've Nate and Eli'd me!
Dante: Indubitably! Now get out! Pip pip!
Lilac: (In the hall) Oh bother.
Lilac: (More annoyed) That is like ... blast it all.
Lilac: (In her most annoyed voice yet) Jiminy Cricket! I can't let anyone see me like this!

Scene 5:

(Nate and Eli are at the pub, hiding from any further misfortune like two propper lads.)
Nate: Here you are geeza, get that down you.
(Nate slides a pint to Eli.)
Eli and Nate: (With the clinking of glasses) cheers!
Eli: S'been a while since we could have a propper chin wag, eh me old china.
Nate: Too right, mate. Too right. (A beat before he leans in) I will say though. We be nice if we could gab like our right selves instead of a couple of gutter snipes.
Eli: Steady on, Geeza. I think I've still got a certain amount of ... refinement.
Nate: (A disbelieving snort) You? Refined? Listen, mate. If you're refined, I'm the bloody king.
Eli: Oi, watch it, you. Or I'll fetch you one.
Nate: You want some, sunshine.
Eli: Yeah. Maybe I do.
Nate: Yeah?
Eli: Yeah!
(A massive yawn interrupts the two, and Augustus comes over)
Augustus: Hey guys. What is going on over here? Aren't you supposed to be helping Dante with the talent show?
Eli: There's our Gustface.
Nate: Right you are, Gusty me old chum.
Augustus: (Sounding confused) You guys sound stranger than normal.
Eli and Nate: Oi!
Eli: That's on Lilac, that is.
Nate: Yeah. I couldn' Adam and Eve it. There was me and Eli, mindin' our Ps and Qs, and Lilac comes waltzin' along on her plates.
Eli: You could've knocked us over with a feather when she only goes and curses us.
Nate: And right before Lad's night too. That ... is not onat all that is.
(Augustus snores.)
Eli: Augustus?
(Augustus snores on.)
Nate: (Slamming his hand on the table) Oi!
Augustus: (Starting awake) No, not the sheep! Oh, what happened?
Eli: You only went and fell asleep while we were lamenting our misfortunes to you.
Nate: That's rightly rude, that is.
Augustus: (Yawning) I don't know why. I am just so ... so ... tired. Just give me a few minutes. We can listen to (The next act of the talent show) while I nap.
(The next act plays.)

Nate: (Loudly) Augustus! (To eli) What's a matter with him?
Eli: You reckon Lilac ...
Augustus: (Startling awake) I saw nothing!
Eli and Nate: What?
Augustus: (Sounding nervous) Oh nothing. I just thought you mentioned ... Lilac. Shes not here, right? Of course she isnt. It's nothing. How about we listen to another act? This one is...
(Another act plays)

Eli: Listen, mate. If there's somethin' botherin' you, we're right here. This is the pub. No magic or coding in here.
Nate: Too right. So go on then. Let's 'ave it.
Augustus: (Taking a deep breath) Right. So I was heading to Dante's lab to help him with the show, and I ran into ... Lilac.
(The flashback starts, and Augustus and Lilac are walking down the corridor in opposite directions.)
Augustus: Oh hey Lilac.
Lilac: (Trying to speak normal but failing) Hello ... old chap. Ahh no.
Augustus: Old chap? Are you ... okay?
Lilac: Shh! Don't ... say ... a word. I'm ... hidius!
Augustus: (Sounding confused) What? You look find to me.
Lilac: (Almost sounding relieved) Oh. (To herself) Maybe it's not noticeable then. (More loudly) Nothing, Augustus. Where are you off to, mdear chap?
Augustus: Oh just going to help Dante with the talent show.
Lilac: (Still nervous but trying to head off) Oh well. Fantastic. I shall see you later then. Toodeloo!
Augustus: (Casually as she's walking away) Lilac... What happened to your accent?
(Lilac gasps and whispers.)
Lilac: (Stage whisper) Oh dear. It is noticeable.
Augustus: What is? Your accent?
Lilac: (Loudly) Stop! Silence!
Augustus: It's not that bad really.
Lilac: (Interrupting histarically) You've seen too much!
Augustus: What?
Lilac: There's nothing for it.
Lilac: (Chanting frantically) I shall not have you breathe a word
Of what you have just seen and heard.
Close your eyes and count your sheep
And keep this secret fast asleep!
(The flashback ends.)
Augustus: And ... I still don't know what I was not supposed to tell anyone...
(Augustus falls asleep again.)
Eli: Flamin' nora.
Nate: That cheeky mare only went and cursed Old Gustface over here.
Eli: And what for?
Nate: Speakin' like a propper brit.
Eli: And there's no harm in that.
Nate: Quite right, too.
Eli: Tell you what, let's finish our pint, watch a bit of football -- The match is on and we're already down the pub. It'd be a waste not to.
Nate: Then, we sort out this mess.
(Augustus gives a particularly loud snore.)
Nate: I mean, Then, we cure augustus and sort out this mess.
Eli: Right you are, me old china. I'll drink to that.
Eli: and Nate Cheers!
(The scene fades out with the boys singing: Father's got 'em.)

Scene 6:

(We open up on Lilac's lair. She is frantically searching through her stuff for a cure to her British accent.)
Lilac: Must find a cure. Must find a cure.
(She runs back and forth, tossing bottles and boxes over her shoulder.)
Lilac: Three in one nail polish? No.
Lilac: (Sniffing something) Winter Candy Apple body spray? Absolutely wrong season.
Lilac: (Raddling something which giggles) Giggling ... box? What in the King's bless'd isle is this?
(She takes off the lid, and Gribble the chaos goblin springs out, bouncing off of walls like an energetic bouncy ball.)
Gribble: Wheeeeeee! I am Gribble, hear me fly! I am Gribble, the chaos guy!
Lilac: (Annoyed) Gribble, you absolute buffoon! What are you doing in here?
Gribble: (Giggling) Oooooh Lilac is so scarry. Lilac is so mean. Harken, I hear the devils sing.
Lilac: What are you talking about, Gribble?
Gribble: Oh ... Nothing.(He giggles and zips towards the door, but...)
Lilac: Close it, lock it. Put it in my pocket!
(The door slams and locks, and Gribble crashes into it.)
Gribble: Hey! Let me out!
Lilac: Not until you tell me what you're so giggly about.
Gribble: (Giggles) Noooooooothing.
Lilac: Gribble, I am warning you.
Gribble: (Mocking) Gwibble, I am warning you.
Lilac: Fine. You want to play it that way, my dear chap ...
Lilac: (Chanting) The truth will out, the truth will win
Reveal to me, your hallow's sin!
By order's grace and tidy mind
Let helpfulness be what you find!
Gribble: (Crying out in pain) Nooooooooo!
Lilac: Oh yes. Now, dear Gribble. I am sure you will wish to be the most helpful of goblins, will you not?
Gribble: Must ... cause ... chaos. No ... order. Must bring order. NO! Chaos! Order! NO!
Lilac: (In a sweet voice) There there, Gribble. Now, tell me, what did you do?
Gribble: I ... No ... Mustn't tell ...
Lilac: Gribble, tell me. Now.
Gribble: I spiked your potion. With chaos code.
Lilac: What? Why?
Gribble: Because it was funny. (Giggles madly.)
Lilac: Silence!
(Gribble falls silent. Lilac begins pacing.)
Lilac: I must reverse this. I must. And you, gribble, are going to help me.
Gribble: Aww. Do I have to?
(Lilac growls in anger.)
Gribble: Okay okay. Well, I'll tell you one thing you're going to need. Another act from the talent show. For the potion.
(The act plays.)

(The scene returns mid brewing.)
Lilac: Plus more eye of Nate? Why is that always an ingredient?
Gribble: (chuckles) Do you need your glasses again, oh wicked wind of the blossom?
Lilac: Oh. Eye Nate even more quizzically. this time, I shall not miss that step. Right. Here goes nothing.
(Lilac gulps down a cup full of the potion.)
Lilac: (Coughing) Ugh. Why does the cure taste worse than the poison? A spoon full of sugar was clearly not included in this recipe.
(A beat)
Lilac: Well, Hello ... It's still not working. Perhaps after this talent show entry.
(Talent show entry plays.)

(We return, and Gribble is giggling.)
Lilac: Gribble, what are you laughing about?
Gribble: Oh nothing. Just, you don't read instructions very well, do you?
Lilac: What? What do you mean? I followed all the instructions. Nate was eyed so quizzically, he would have felt that even in his sleep.
Gribble: (Sighing and waving the paper in her face) Please read the last line.
Lilac: (Reading) Please let potion steep for ... 48 hours? Gribble! Why didn't you tell me?
Gribble: I was going to.
Lilac: When?
Gribble: In 48 hours!
Lilac: (growls again)
I might be helpful. But I'm still a chaos goblin. hee hee hee!
(The scene fades out on Lilac chasing gribble out of the room.)

Scene 7:

(The scene opens up on the live audience, Dante on stage.)
Dante: Thank you all for tuning into our show, ladies and gentlemen. It has been a wild ride as always, filled with japes and jokes, laughs, surprises, and of course ... The Dante.
(A clap of thunder)
Dante; I love doing that! Anyway ...
(He strides over to the thunder machine and adjusts it.)
Dante: (Grumbling a little) At least Eli and Brandon should be here to help with this. Why buy a helper monkey and screech yourself? Oh well. They probably got distracted somewhere by the next shiny bit of code.
Dante: (Letting out an evil giggle) And we all know why Lilac isn't here, don't we? But what is it they always say? The show must go on.
(A cheer from the audience.)
Dante announces a couple songs. Anything left that wasn't announced yet.

(As the final song finishes playing, Eli and Nate come in, still singing their pub song and dragging a very sleepy Augustus.)
Nate and Eli: 'Eeeeeee's runnin' round the 'ouses, wivout 'is shirt and trouses! Father's got 'em comin' on agaaaaaaaaaiiiiin!
(Augustus snores in sympathy.)
Dante: What are you two doing? You were supposed to be here hours ago.
Nate: Alright alright. Keep your hair on, me old mucka.
Eli: Yeah. We're here now, ain't we?
Dante: Yes. At the end of the show.
Eli: Exactly. Right when the real hard work begins.
Dante: The hard work?
Nate: The result show, of course. Someone's got to announce who wins, right? And it ain't gonna be this lump over here.
(A thud sound, and Augustus briefly wakes up.)
Augustus: What? Who? Where? Why am I on stage? Oh, yawn nevermind snore
Nate: See what I mean?
Dante: So, Lilac got you, too?
Eli: (Hesitantly) Well, I wouldn't say got, exactly.
Nate: Yeah! Got's a strong word, init. Two geeza's like us? It's not like we couldn't handle it or nofink.
Dante: (Chanting) You'd think that they had learned their lesson,
It's like their memory's in recession.
But fear not, 'cause the Dante's here,
Your silly accent's becoming clear!
(Magical sounds swirl around, and Eli, Nate, and Augustus are cured partially.)
Dante: There. Temporary fix compiled.
Nate: I say ... hello?
(Cheering)
Eli: Excellent! Dante, you are an absolute spiv! Thank you, old chap.
Dante: Why you two couldn't have done that yourself, seriously!
Nate and eli make uncomfortable hem hawing noises.
Nate: We just wanted you to earn your pay.
Dante: (Beat) But you don't pay me at all!
Nate: Exactly.
Dante: Right, you're catching another curse if you don't go find Lilac and fix whatever's happened to her.
Nate and Eli: Sorry, Dante.
(they head off stage).
Dante: so much for them doing the hard work at the end of the show!
(Augustus snores and mumbles something about players and a good job.)
Dante: You know, my sleepy friend, I think you're right! The players who submitted did do an absolutely fantastic job! They've really played the part, in this party! See what I did there?
(Augustus snores some more.)
Dante: Well... tough Croud. Anyway, there's only one thing left to do...
To all our players, near and far,
including those still at the bar,
The results show will be coming soon,
So see you before the next full moon!
(clap of thunder, theme tune plays).

Why not explore the moo!